How do you take a Compliment?

Lessons I've learned: How not to reject, deflect, downgrade or shift the focus when you receive praise.

You’ve done something. You created something, you worked on a project. Maybe you participated in a team effort. Does it matter that it was easy for you? Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe you worked your butt off. And that thing, the end result, affected someone in a positive way. They tell you … fill in the blank:

Ninc job.

They-Loved it.

Were deeply moved.

Were grateful for your effort.

Thought you did a spectacular job.

And you shrug it off. You downgrade the compliment. Or you deflect. It was nothing. You had tons of help. It wasn’t your best effort. So and So did better. It was okay, but you really screwed up that one bit. My favorite way to deflect plaudits is to shift the focus. Oh no, you did most of the work. Your hair looks so much better. But did you read such and such? That won the XYZ award.

I’m using generic examples here, and I’m using the pronoun you, but really I’m talking about me. Because I have a history of taking compliments badly. For most of my life, I’ve rejected praise offhand.

Am I really worthy?

Let’s take it back a few decades. My family didn’t dish out gushing compliments or even censored praise. You had to work very hard for a merit badge. Then, if it wasn’t A+ five-star standing-ovation worthy, you’d be lucky to get a mention at the dinner table. And your moment in the spotlight would likely be overshadowed by admiration of the person who helped you get it right. Or someone who performed better.

Much later in my life I realized the discrepancy between my family’s opinion and the real world view. I can thank my husband for enlightening me.

So to take a compliment, there are a few things to consider. Our society doesn’t condone self love. We learn very early that “modesty is the best policy.” Narcissism and conceit are looked down on. And unless you’re someone like a certain past-president, or the owner of a social media channel, you don’t go around telling folks how great you are. Or maybe you do. However, society admires quiet modesty.

As a writer, my books have received some beautiful reviews. Granted, they also got a few very bad ones, too. (I deflect.) But the nicer ones hit me in the heart. They made me feel special.

So how do we go about accepting praise without appearing conceited?

It all comes down to respect. Do I respect myself enough to accept the praise? For a long time I didn’t. I’m not afraid to admit that I had very low self esteem when I was growing up. It has taken me 60 years to cultivate my self worth, and bloom into something I am proud of. I think it may be hard for many others (especially, but not at all limited to, women) to value ourselves, our work and our bodies.

It has been a journey for me. It has taken years of practice to conjure the confidence to speak in front of people, or even to share my work with pride. Sometimes I have a weak moment. Sometimes I embarrass myself. But lately, I’m able to laugh off my mistakes. Because usually, I find people will tell you if you’re creating value for them. They want to share their admiration. Give a you a huzzah or a five star review.

In that case, the appropriate response is Thank you.

When someone respects your work and has found value in it, they want to share how it made them feel. It doesn’t matter how insignificant the thing is to you—maybe your hair looks especially smooth and shiny today and it’s because you used a new shampoo—the way to accept the exultation is simply, thank you.

If you've written a lovely review for one of my books, thank you. Sincerely, Thank You

So when you’re having trouble accepting compliments, start small. Start with yourself. Remind yourself that you are doing a great job.

Post-It note on my computer monitor that reads: Great Job Today, Tracey!

And , when I say how awesome you are for reading my blog or my books, for reviewing, or commenting below, know that I mean it. Thank you.