❤️If you are reading this blog, Thank you!
As a child of the 70’s, I was taught to say please and thank you. And as a debutant and member of a prestigious family, I was also schooled in sending thank you notes and letters. Most of you parents out there are teaching your kids the same things, but let’s just say, some people’s kids didn’t get the memo. For me, I’d be ashamed to let something like that slip by.
Don’t get me wrong, I love expressing gratitude. Especially when someone has gone out of their way to be kind. Also, I know how good it makes me feel when someone tells me thank you. And well, I’m better at saying thank you than accepting help. And as a type-A personality, I probably go overboard on the gratitude.
However-
One of the things I love about this time of year is reading thoughtful posts on social media about what friends are grateful for. Another is the chance to express gratitude without any formality or … note cards. So believe me, given the type of year I had, and due to the number of beautiful people sending thoughtful gifts and offering help, buying me lunch, feeding me dinner, gratitude is on my mind.
❤️If you are someone who offered your shoulder for me to lean on in the last few months, Thank you!
Love and support is pouring in for my husband’s passing. And knowing friends want to help out, I offered a chance to donate in Michael’s name to Mike’s favorite charity, St. Jude’s Research hospital. I asked friends to do this in lieu of gifts or flowers. Of course I’m amazed and deeply grateful for all of you who’ve done it. Like Mike, and most of you, I’m incredibly happy to help children and families who are suffering. And with each donation, the notifications are pouring in. I want to thank each and every one of you but am honestly having trouble finding the time.
Between the dozens of emails and more than 50 sympathy cards, flowers and a few thoughtful gifts, it got me wondering. Is it necessary to send a formal thanks? I’m grieving after all, and my brain is only partially functioning. Do they expect it from me? I wondered this because I never received the same level of support when either of my parents died. I’d love to hear your experiences. Please share them below.
Brides have up to 6 months to send thank you notes for gifts. New Moms have about three months. I didn’t make up those rules. New Moms need more than three months. Regardless of the situation, gratitude is always appropriate. But how much? A reciprocal gift (or gift card?) for those giving their precious time and skills to help professionally? A phone call? An email? And how much time do I have to reply?
I asked my therapist, who asked her mom. Apparently my therapist’s mom is some kind of Ms. Manners guru. And she said, I should reply in gratitude right away. Especially when the sympathy gift is “in lieu of” something else. I didn’t know.
Ms. Manners never lost someone close to her. They clearly don’t know what it’s like.
So I decided to write this because I’m probably not the only person who doesn’t know the gratitude etiquette for grieving widows. Also, I believe writing a thank you note doesn’t have to be a lost art. Consider it feedback on a job well done. Acknowledgement of a gift.
❤️If you donated to St. Jude’s in Michael’s name, Thank you!
This blog doesn’t count as an official thank you note, by the way. I’m sending you personal emails and electronic thank you cards. And for some of the things friends have done, there is just no good way to say thank you. (You know who you are…) Because sometimes you just gotta let go of all your shizzit and let people help you. I humbly offer to be there in return, should they ever need me. Eternally grateful kinda—maybe— says it all.
What I’m most grateful for this year:
Loving and supportive children. Though our family is now one less, our adult kids have shown what they’re made of. They make me proud and so happy.
Good friends.
My in-laws. They will always be my family, too.
Zoom. So I can connect with long distance dear ones.
Readers like you!
The time and space to pull myself together and start a new life without my best friend.
Tracey, I came upon this several years ago after a devastating loss, and it's stayed with me and buoyed me ever since:
"I think it's okay if I'm a bit sad forever. Not drowning every day, not screaming into my pillow, not sobbing in my car, not stuck in the past—just a bit sad, like carrying a quiet ache that never really leaves. Because that sadness? It will remind me that you were real. You mattered. You existed in my world in a way that changed me. Grief isn't something I want to erase. It's the proof of love that didn't get enough time. And maybe that's the tradeoff for having had something so meaningful—a soft, permanent sadness that follows me through the years, whispering that you were here."
❤️ I believe friends and family are wrapping you in love without expectation to let you know you are not alone. Lean on us. Lean into authenticity. Throw the rules out the window, and do what fills your heart. ❤️